Are Modern Relationships Too Transactional?
In a world where convenience, speed, and return-on-investment dominate most spheres of life, it’s no surprise that some believe modern relationships are starting to mirror business transactions more than emotional partnerships.
From social media to dating apps, from “who brings what to the table” debates to expectations of 50/50 or 100/100 contributions—many are beginning to ask: are modern relationships becoming too transactional?
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The Rise of “What Do You Offer?” Culture
The dating landscape has shifted significantly in the last decade. A common theme now found on platforms like TikTok, Twitter (X), and Instagram is the conversation around value:
- “What do you bring to the table?”
- “I won’t date a man who doesn’t earn six figures.”
- “If she doesn’t cook and clean, she’s not wife material.”
This rhetoric often reduces partners to checklists of skills, income, looks, or social capital. While standards are important, the concern arises when love and companionship are replaced by expectation and calculation.
“It feels like dating has turned into a negotiation,” says Lebo M., a 29-year-old graphic designer in Johannesburg. “Everyone wants to know what you can give them before they even ask how you feel about them.”
Love in the Age of Hyper-Independence
As more women become financially independent and men face rising pressures to match traditional and modern roles, relationships have started to reflect the push-and-pull of “power balance.” Both parties now enter relationships with more boundaries, more expectations, and often, less emotional vulnerability.
In many cases, this leads to relationships built on mutual convenience instead of deep emotional connection.
Psychologist Dr. Mpho Ndlovu explains:
“Many people today fear being used or being the only giver. So, they start relationships by setting firm terms—almost like contracts—to protect themselves. But in doing so, they often close the door to emotional intimacy.”
The Role of Social Media and Influencer Culture
Social media, particularly platforms like Instagram and TikTok, has glamorized high-value relationships: vacations in Bali, expensive gifts, ‘power couple’ aesthetics, and public displays of wealth. This portrayal makes many people, especially younger audiences, internalize the idea that a good relationship must come with material perks.
Some influencers even frame relationships as investments. A man’s ability to provide becomes proof of love. A woman’s appearance and loyalty become her “value.” This can lead to people staying in relationships that look good online but feel empty offline.
Is There Still Space for Emotional Intimacy?
Despite the apparent shift, many still crave deep emotional connection—security, trust, companionship, and unconditional support. However, they often find themselves navigating a dating pool that prioritizes outcomes and aesthetics over emotional alignment.
“I want someone who just gets me,” says Tariro Chiwara, 34, from Harare. “But the dating world now feels like a job interview. It’s exhausting.”
The Cost of Transactional Love
When relationships become transactional, they often lack:
- Emotional vulnerability: People hesitate to open up out of fear they’ll be “used.”
- Unconditional support: Love is given only when conditions are met.
- Long-term endurance: Once someone stops “performing,” the relationship ends.
Couples in these relationships can find themselves feeling lonely, even when together. If emotional needs are not acknowledged and nurtured, the relationship becomes more like a partnership between co-founders than a bond between lovers.
Can We Reclaim the Romance?
The solution isn’t to abandon standards or ignore compatibility. Rather, it’s about balancing practicality with emotional authenticity.
Here’s how we can do that:
- Lead with curiosity, not checklist questions.
Ask how someone thinks, feels, and dreams—not just what they earn or do. - Embrace vulnerability.
Healthy relationships require risks. You can’t build intimacy without openness. - Define values, not just benefits.
Shared values go further than shared interests or material compatibility. - De-center performance.
You’re not a product, and neither is your partner. You’re both people.